The Vanity of Dorian Gray Sample

SCENE ONE Front of curtain: MC announces the Acts, with usual hyperbole, gavel and etc.

MC:	Welcome, welcome one and all, to the Empire Music Hall Tottenham Court Road. Tonight we have: Delights and fights, tights and sights, but first of all- those two old sparring partners; Wrongs and Wrights.
Enter Wrong & Wright, with their terrible jokes!:
	Þ Why did the chicken cross the road? Þ To get to the other side. Þ What did the biscuit say when he saw the other biscuit lying in the road, run over by a cab? Þ I don't know, what did the biscuit say: Þ Crumbs! Þ Did you hear about the piece of string that couldn't get served in a pub? He went outside, ruffled himself up, and tied himself in a tight bow. He comes back in and says: Can I get served now? Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here just now? No, I'm a fraid not. (frayed knot!) Geddit? Boom Boom. Þ Waiter, waiter - there's a fly in my soup. Þ Well - don't shout too loud, everyone'll want one.
(Audience Groans, drum rolls/crashes)
	Þ My mum and Dad are in the iron and steel business. She irons, and he steals. Þ What do you call a cannibal who eats your mother's sister? ÞAn aunt eater. Þ And what if he ate his wife's mother? ÞGladiator! (Glad he ate her)
(Audience Groans, drum rolls/crashes)
	Þ Where were you born? Þ London Þ What part? Þ All of me! Þ Have you lived here all your life? Þ Not yet! Þ Any great men born down your way? Þ No - only babies!
(Audience Groans, drum rolls/crashes)
MC:	And now- I give you- The tantalising charms, the tempting arms, the terpsichorean (audience ‘oooh') palms - of Miss Minnie Bloom!
Minnie:	(sings) She was one of the early birds Tweet tweet tweet she went Sweetly she sang to me till all me money was spent Then she went away And we parted on fighting terms She was one of the early birds and I was one of the worms
Chorus sing the above and audience are encouraged to join in Minnie goes into audience
Minnie:	Hello me darlin' you don't come from round ere, I'll be bound; a toff like you, slumming it are we? Hello dearie, enjoying the show, cor, what a luvverly ‘at, where d'ya get it? Off a scarecrow? Oh, now, go , don't try and kid us on that this is yer missus- she's a bit young fer you ain't she? And you gel - couldn't you do better than this un? Mebbe? ‘E's richer ‘n he looks , eh, laydies? Blimey, look at this one girls - why ain't he with a beaootiful young laydy such as me self - or you, dearie - come on, give ‘em a smile!
All this while an old woman has been trying to press a note in Minnie's hand, following her as she talks to the audience Minnie becomes aware of her at last
	Coo- wotcha want? Do you know, I felt someone trying to get a hold of me, only I hoped it was that good looking young swell from Row C!
Old Woman:	(whispering) Please - please, see me, or read my note – it's a matter of life or death!
Minnie:	(angrily) Get out of it, you old crone- can't you see you're frightening the punters? (To audience) Don't be alarmed , laydies and gents - it's only me landlady come to get me rent! (whispering to her, but pretending to smile and treat it as a joke) I've told you – leave me alone! I won't listen to your lies! (for audience now) Garn, you old buzzard, I've told you the money's coming to you, I get paid tonight
(She signals for help and the old woman is spirited away by the MC and ushers)
	Phew, these old'uns can be so persistent, can't they gents! There's no deterring 'em when their bloods up!